moloch_loveless

my stomach hurts so fucking bad
i hate this food

i feel like i'm going to implode

TABLEAU VIVANT








death

okokokok
ok
okok
ok

ooooooooooooooooooook

on this page of my livejournal i have written fuck 29 times
this one makes it thirty


i cuss so much
it's expressive and i like it
i want to go to sleep at this very moment
buttttttttttttttttttt
i have to continue to search campus for a color printer
and i have to get my portfolio together
i SHOULD clean my room
but i doubt that i actually will


fuck this

31

life is so fucking conventional
i hate it
i hate money
why do i hate everything
shit

i'm bored
i'm back in alfred
and no one else is

i think i'm going to patch my backpack for lack of anything better to do
shit maybe i'll make a new pocket
that could be cool..

thanksgiving sucks

i want to take a nap

and shower

if you didn't keep telling me that next time i come home you will help me pay for a car, i wouldn't be here being miserable right now
i think i might just buy a piece of shit car
but i don't want to waste my money
if it's a piece of shit
fuck it
i don't know what to do with myself
i shouldn't be in this shit town right now
i should have just gone to new jersey
i'm stupid
i can't get a car
why did i think that
i don't have the money
how the hell can i escape for specific short periods at a time with no fucking money besides get a car
i'm fucking stupid
this fucking sucks
i need to get the hell out of here.



haa mike mosher just called me
i can predict what will happen for the rest of this break
it's nice to have someone who hates this town just as much as i do
i have no fucking idea why he keeps coming back
that's just beyond me

alright
this fucking sucks.
i need to get out of here before this place really starts to crawl underneath my skin

good thing i have so many places to go

i'm bored and hungry
i want to go back to alfred

uhh



i don't want to go back to baldwinsville
hah
i almost typed baldwins-vile

lawl




i'm exhausted
i missed class today
i should have just stayed in syracuse last night and saw giant panda guerilla dub squad
seeing as all i did today
was observe my messes
and read jk rowling interviews
and i missed the time when i was supposed to pick up my shit from cohen
and tomorrow morning everything is getting thrown away
so i'm going to have to wake up early and go there before class
i don't know

phish was amazing

tomorrow is going to be such a nice day
everyone else is in a rush to get home
but i'm really not at all
so i'm just going to spend most of the day relaxing taking my time
it's going to be so nice



what if a canvas's pores could become clogged
so when dirt got on the canvas
it broke out in boils


weird


this weekend was so busy
we didn't have a moment of down time
and when we did
something spontaneous happened immediately


what is packing

THIS COMPUTER IS ROTTING MY BRAIN







why am I doing this?

something needs to be done














fuck

far between sundowns finish
and midnights broken toe
we ducked inside the doorways
as thunder went crashing

such beautiful words


i feel like a mess
i'm not a mess
i just feel like i am
that might not make sense
but it makes sense right now in my mind
no i think it does make sense
ok


i have to do dumb shit
and i really don't want to
i've been slacking in my painting class
we have to do 25 sketches of simple technology
like gears nails cogs and whatever
then we have to print out 75 images of the same shit
it's so dumb


i baffle myself
cherine and i are having a very philosophical conversation
and my dumb brain cannot wrap itself around the ideas that we're proposing

i guess it's good that i'm pushing my brain to the limit
and testing it's possibilities
it expands your mind if you push it so far
in this sense
maybe if you push it extremely far in another sense
it will probably damage it

hm




bob dylan...

i have a bunch of books i don't want to read
i have a bunch of clothes i don't want to wear
i have a bunch of movies i don't want to watch


it's all just a waste

i have a bunch of music i don't want to listen to


people are revolting
everyone has so much stuff
all of our shit
it's all falling out of our mouths while we breathe
while we speak
they don't even know it's falling
but we just can't keep hold of it
so when it falls
of course we don't pay attention to where it goes
it just goes
and it's gone
so we can put more shit in our filthy mouths
as long as we can't smell the trash
we're ok

i have a bunch of shoes that i don't want to walk in
i have a bunch of bandannas i don't want to use



we see with our mouths
if we can fit it
we'll eat it


i have a bunch of jewelry that i don't want to look at

we have so much garbage

i have so much garbage

i need to empty my mouth

and i don't want to refill it
ever

fuck possessions




we should only have what we can carry on our backs




on another note
i'm so lonely
i'm so sick of being alone
i want someone to hate society with
but love the world

i'm getting antsy again
i need to get out of alfred
i can't sit still
it's a bad habit of mine
is it bad?
i don't think so

maybe to an extent
eh

who knows


my emotions are all fucked up lately
i think it might have something to do with being sick
or maybe it's because when i sleep i have such beautiful dreams
and i wake up
and i'm alone



life is a fucking paradox

i feel like shit
i think i'm going to rip my stomach out
i can't call into work because i don't have the phone number
ok
and if i take a nap
waking up will be more painful than i am in the mood to endure
fuck
dining hall food only makes it worse

on a good note i got into a philosophy class


but...
i still want to die

hey say hey
baby i got your money don't you worry
say hey
baby i got your money








yeah...
bored
today i baffled my teacher who really isn't a teacher but he's a grad student that helps with foundations classes
our assignment is to explore this line across campus
while thinking about one word that we chose
my word is system
so i have to portray the word system
on this line
and post it
on the stupid blog that we made for this class
so

in order to portray this word on the fucking internet
i obviously have to simplify.
i'm concentrating on systems in nature
like the ecosystem and other life processes
everything from chemical makeups to the solar system and beyond


my idea is that systems are a paradox
a system is made up of a smaller system
and that system cannot function without the smaller system within
and that system cannot function without the smaller system within
and that system cannot function without the smaller system within
and that system cannot function without the smaller system within
and that system cannot function without the smaller system within
and that system cannot function without the smaller system within
and etc.

obviously all of these smaller systems create bigger systems in the process of existing

so joe the grad student comes over to me
i show him some bullshit on my blog and then i start going on about how systems are paradoxes
and his head recoils
looks at me
and was speechless
stutters a little
and mumbles something that i didn't really understand

i didn't think my idea was that profound
i still think it's pretty obvious
apparently deeper thoughts are not common within my foundations class

anyways
i cannot figure out how to portray this idea
i can recreate a system
and write some shit
by pointing out the aspects of a system
i feel that i am simplifying
and i don't want to do that
by simplifying i am tainting the complexity in the system, obviously
and the complexity of the system is what is so interesting
yeah
so i think i'm going to create some kind of system
that has roots in the ecosystem (so it isn't some stupid man-made piece of trash)
and basically write that the system is too complex for humans to simplify
it is a waste of time to attempt
and in the process of attempting
you make a shitty piece of art
and i'm not here to make shitty art
and fuck michelle illuminato




i fucking hate all of my clothes
i just want a couple plain hoodies of different colors
that are comfortable
a couple plain shirts of different colors
that are comfortable
a couple pairs of jeans
that are comfortable
the sweaters and flannels i have are fine

is that so hard to come by?

“No matter how much you might call out ‘Fido’ or tell him ‘Stay,’ tell him, ‘Sit!,’ the dog you house trained from a pup, spanked with a newspaper, that dog will snap his teeth together on your windpipe and rip out your throat. Fido would howl over your dying and drink the blood still pumping hot out of your own loving heart.”

I NEED TO CLEAN MY ROOM
but i'm too lazy

i feel like i'm going to pop my stomach hurts






more importantly, i need to do laundry and plan out my schedule


FUCK

holy shit
i forgot that i used to be able to write
what happened?


Water
it travels so far
it was around at the beginning of existence
it feels infinite
it has been so many places
i wish i could shrink to that size
and fuse with it
to follow it through it's infinite travels
change with it
fall with it
blow with it
ride with it
i want to see the world
for now i wait
until i achieve the opportunity
i sit in this room
and wait
and wait
and wait
wait
wait wait wait
wait
wait
shit



Feed
i don't know
i don't know
i don't know
i feel like i'm rotting
i feel the leeches sucking my blood
i can taste the maggots
eating away at my flesh
as i sit
and watch
them feed
freely
i am a buffet
to those with
little chance of survival
here
take my soul
i won't use it
for much longer
here's a few more days
to add to
your sad
sad
lives
feed
feed
feed

Parasitic Memories
i will always feel trapped
as long as i am behind the wheel
of a 2000 chevy malibu
registered under the name of
Steven J. Chapin
where the stench of feet and beer
is as strong as the sun
if not stronger
the stench will linger in the back of my mind
for the rest of my life
it won't be so strong
hopefully
it won't even be recognizable
but it will be there
until i lay dead
decomposing
back into
the earth
as i rot
as my memories rot
the stench will diffuse into the air
forgotten forever
another terrible memory
to diffuse into the atmosphere
along with the rotting memories of
all others
who share
the day
of my death
together living in equilibrium
alone and
empty




Tired
i am so tired of being stricken with displeasure every time these floors tug at my feet
or these light switches stroke my fingers


The Decision
i walked into millers room a few months back
this was when i was tied between going to school for science or for art
i saw that he had a new poster
it was for some art school
up close it was just a bunch of red-orange dots
a few of these dots were in a deeper shade of such color
i thought it was trying to say something but i didn't really feel like caring
so i walked to my seat and threw my shit on the floor
sort of like i do every day
i get my shit off of the ledge and begin to work
i go to the sink to get some water and i look up
from across the room i see the same poster
but it looks so much different from when i saw it last
in large, bold letters the poster read
follow your heart
i knew exactly what i wanted to do for the rest of my life
the chills stretched my neck and stroked my spine
like nothing
I have ever
felt


High School
michelle’s keyboard slaps my fingers
as jim morrison yells into my ear
kyle dunn’s voice runs from across the room
keith’s presence is there
i know it is
i cough as keith walks into the room and we make small talk
michelle describes to keith where ayden vomited
i'm drunk and i want to write but i'm too distracted
by the stories of michelle
i want to talk about life
i want to talk about existence
i'm going to go to college
and i'm going to enjoy life
i'm going to be drunk
until my liver tells my brain
that i am sober
ayden is still puking
because he hasn't learned yet
fucking people
i hate every single one
i'm going to go be social
because i'm bored




Gut-wrenching Endless Hunger
our machines do the work of the decomposers
though instead of feeding the natural processes of the planet
we feed our greed
the greed that never ceases
so the natural processes of the planet must continue by other routes
finding other resources
finding the places that we have not yet devoured
we stole their food
we stole the candy
from the innocent
we are eating the food from the hand before it even reaches our plate
we are beginning to bite the fingers
mercilessly
we will devour
anything
that crosses
our path


Beauty
beauty is another personal opinion
through the eyes of all
everything posses it
and if everything is beautiful
then beauty is like mass
it exists and we may not always be able to see it with the naked eye
but it’s there
beauty is everything
everywhere
all of the time


Feed
Summon the dead
And give birth to the hungry
Slim the swine
And cease the social recession


Weak
Born into the ocean
Learn to swim before your first sight
Fight off the beast
Or sink like the rest
Feeding on the weak
Strive for survival
Failure is a gift
Given by the wise






Waste
As if the sun deceased
Society tramples through the days
Torturous trips to the firm
Selling your time for a dime
The dime won’t buy you wings
To stand up against the cruel
Yet blissful
Sky
The dime will serve you
Misfortune and decay
Selling your time to rot like a log
On a treacherously scorching day
A feast for the fungus
Devouring your potential
Leaving you for the soil
To overtake


Fly
The ripe saturate the sky
Like fleas on your brand new fur coat
Their wings spread
They fall
As if they were fish
Crash
And burn
Few rise from their ashes
Born again
Another chance to
Spread their wings fearlessly against
The cold blue sky


Untitled
my right eye feels like a balloon
my right brain isn't exactly flourishing
my right hand holds my sanity
in my left is my sense
flames dance
the room shakes





silence

hey today my history professor called me an ignorant twelve year old
i basically got fucked because some dumb bitch copied my horribly written homework assignment
i worked together with her hoping that maybe she payed attention in class
but i basically just talked the whole time reciting what i knew
so she quoted my wrong answers exactly
and then she let someone else completely copy the exact same answers later

and not only did my professor say that we were a bunch of ignorant twelve year olds
she went on a tangent about basically how art students don't care about anything besides their art

i fucking hate that class


today was shitty


i hate being alone

life is awkward
life is oh so awkward


hm.
i love sporcle
i learned all of the countries of europe south america and i'm working on middle america, asia and africa




i need to figure out my sculpture.









....

figured it out.


i finally took out my nose piercing
it has been infected since basically the day i got it
i think i may have developed a nickle allergy
whatever
i'm kind of over piercings
i felt like piercings were just me being self concious
so i felt the need to use piercings and tattoos to distract myself from looking at me in the mirror
that's kind of unnecessary these days
i wish i didn't get my tattoos though
the animal rights one is kind of cool
whatever
i don't really give a shit... yet




lotus is playing town ballroom this weekend in buffalo
I WANT TO GO


i don't know if there is a better way to begin a halloween weekend

weekends here are so fucking fun


halloween is definitely going to be crazy




my life is still so awkward
i had such an awkward encounter earlier today

it was quite harsh


i had a dream my name was alfred and i worked at stronghearts

i have the fucking stupidest dreams...

i also had a dream my dumb bitch of a studio teacher yelled at me too
it was just stupid



i'm so tired
i couldn't sleep last night
so i took a shower at 3am
and laid in bed for however long
woke up at 7


bored




i should go to sleep

i feel so ahead in all of my classes

except for shit iberia because my dumb teacher thinks i'm cheating when in actuality i'm taking her wise advice.

idiot